Love Child

July 12, 2017

So lately I’ve been getting loads of queens asking me if there are plans for a love child on the way.

Of course it would be another PR crisis.

“Constance Hall gets knocked up a few short months after meeting Denim Cooke,” and the comments might be something like “I told you she was trailer park bogan trash!!”

But when have I actually given a fuck about PR?

I seriously get advised by PR, and do the opposite. However… The love child question.

You’ve probably heard me talk about my disease right? Ulcerative Colitis, an inflamed bowel disease that makes me shit myself and gives me internal bleeding, I know right? Fun.

Well that disease has kept me on steroids, anti-inflamitories and nightly enigma’s for 5 years, no matter what diet, vegan, grain free, sugar free I tried I couldn’t get better. The only advise I was given was that its caused by stress.

At my last colonoscopy the doctor told me I had 5 years to get it under control or it will become a big cancer risk.

Now I don’t know why, Im not going to pretend that love heals or anything like that, but I have now been completely medicine free and in remission for 3 months. At any point it may come back but it certainly doesn’t feel like that, I am healthier then ever. I use the toilet like everyone else, don’t need extra iron for blood loss and take nothing, no drugs to maintain this and anyone with an auto immune disease will tell you that all my Christmases have come at once.

Im not giving Denim credit, he does reduce my stress in massive ways but I’m also eating less after reading about what fasting does for gut health I gave it a try and try to avoid night eating, which really helps.

So why would I fuck that all this feeling great with a new baby? Ummmmm, because I cant help myself and when I’m in love the first thing my ovaries do is tell me to clamp on (you know what I mean ladies) and create a beautiful little bean of love.

Although seriously, Denim and I have 6 kids, of course we spoke about it, but we decided for once we’d do the reasonable thing and get married first, really focus on blending our kids, then if the gods allow it, create the love child. Our kids will love it, they have never been happier then they are now, all of us living together, so much laughter, so much love.

But then….. the old late period happened.

Now I am terrible at taking the pill, I never remember and on the odd occasion that I do I cant find the fucker.

And it got later and later, Denim freaking out… I started to accept my fate.

My kids aren’t with me these holidays, its torn my heart out. I miss them more then words can explain. So Im already emotional and hormonal and the idea of a jelly bean shaped Denim rocking out in my belly made everything feel ok, something else to focus on, a little bit of love, my visions became more intense, jelly bean Denim had a cape on and was gonna save the world one day, he was already training inside my belly.

When we first met we decided on a name for a baby (yep we are that annoying couple)

But the reality of it was quite different for Denim, while I started was skipping around with a baby love glow despite thinking that I didn’t want a baby and he started to worry, we nearly had a fight and we barely fight.

I did a pregnancy test that came back negative, Ive had false negative pregnancy tests before though so I didn’t lose hope while Denim didn’t entirely lose anxiety.

Then it happened, my period finally came.

No more little Jelly bean cape wearing Denim rocking out in my belly.

Even I was surprised by my heart ache. I mean I’m writing another book, touring again, designing cool AF clothes… WE HAVE 6 KIDS.

But still my heart hurt, I missed my kids more and felt a little empty.

I told Denim, I made a joke and knew it would make him happy, relieved I thought he would be really sweet, he has told me so many times that he’d love to father a baby with me, I thought he’d hug me and tell me not to worry that next year we will be happily having our love child….

Instead he said the most insensitive words he could have plucked out of his brain, like all of a sudden I’m marrying Eddie Mguire or Donald Trump or something he blurted the words.. “I don’t know why you wanted to be pregnant anyway? You know I love you, I’m marrying you, its not like you need to trap me, I’m never going anywhere…”

Now I get it, to a man that might have felt like the right thing to say. But what the what? Like, what the actual?

Do men really think we think of babies as glue to hold them to us?

Babies are cuddly and glorious and forever and family, whether a bloke hangs around or not.

Densy instantly knew he’d fucked up and went to make me a piece of toast before I verbally tore him to shreds.

Thankfully we were staying with his female bestie who came up to me and asked, “You miss your kids don’t you? your heart’s hurting, isn’t it babe?” As she cuddled me and I held back some tears.

It took a couple of days for my period to stop telling me that Denims the enemy, but if finally left, until next month when it will return and remind me once again that the world is full of fuck wits.

I love the man, he loves me a ridiculous amount, he won’t always say the right thing but his intentions will always be in the right place, I trust that with every inch of me.

And maybe one day we will have our world saving love child.

In the mean time I’ll go back to focusing on my health, babies and Queening the shit out of life.

But why I really wanted to write this blog is because I am blessed, I have 4 biological babies and I have inherited the 2 most beautiful teenage boys you could imagine, Im not trying for a baby at all and even I was gutted, I was scrolling through my Facebook and seeing pregnancy updates with a bit of a snarl. I saw people holding new babies and for the first time I didn’t smile.

And I know there are women out there who can’t conceive, I know there are women who have tried and tried and didn’t even get one, I cannot imagine what you go through. I know my shitty week isn’t even 1 millionth of what you go through and I wanted to extend my empathy and love to you, I have been thinking about you Queens all week.

Brave, strong and fierce Queens.

So much love and so much support from my heart to yours.

Love always Con xx

Constance Hall

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Constance Hall

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