Dear Queens

April 6, 2017

I need to thank some people… the people that bump into me on the street.

You see when my life changed and I came into contact with online Tall Poppy Syndrome, I was sure it was all over for me. I felt embarrassed, scared and generally not myself. I wasn’t owning any of my success and started to hide shit about my life. But the worst part was that I was scared to write, you might have noticed that my blogs aren’t as regular as they used to be. The more people that call you a fat oversharing whore who exploits her children, the less you want to share with them.

However its the face to face contact that I come into on the streets with beautiful Queens that encouraged me to see past all that bullshit and remember that we have a strong community, much stronger then any trolling. Just because hateful words taste bitter it doesn’t mean they are more potent.

It still blows me away that someone would want to stop me and ask me for a selfie. They tell me they’re nervous, meanwhile Im too worried about what they think of my BO to properly comfort them. But it means more to me then I even knew.

When your work is online you need constant reinforcement that people are good, people are kind, which reminds me of being a new mum or a pregnant women. The day my psychologist told me I had to get off line and have face to face interaction every single day completely changed my life. How easy is it as a new mum or heavily pregnant women to just do all of your socialising in the insensitive world of “likes and replies”? and how easily can that leave you strung out, paranoid and anxious? So thank you to the Queens who stop me, you remind me that this is a safe place and oversharing is literally MY LIFE, like I live for it. Only yesterday I was telling a chick that works at a pharmacy about the different shade and odours of discharge different times of the month bring me. She dug it.

I’m in Melbourne at the moment, partly because Ive had some commitments to do, partly because I couldn’t sit still before our UK tour and needed some family time. The Airbnb we are staying in is way bigger then our house, it has 4 bedrooms, what I wouldn’t give for 4 bedrooms. Ever since Bill and I decided to live separately I have had my 2 cousins live with me, they make it possible for me to work and write and wipe my own arse withe the four kids around, but they share a bed in one of my bedrooms. The twins share a cot and Billie-Violet and Arlo share my bed… see while we are rich in love, we are poor in space.

Bill isn’t here in Melbourne. We’ve made the decision to go our own ways. This decision wasn’t made lightly, obviously he has been the love of my life but we just weren’t making each other happy anymore and have lived separate lives for so long now that it just seemed to fall that way. I was once warned that if you make yourselves redundant to each other, you won’t find a reason to stay together. I guess that kind of happened to Bill and I. We still love each other so much but we stopped enjoying each other and the kids stopped seeing happiness in our love, only contempt. Its the right decision, despite being laced with doubt we have given ourselves so much time to consider all the options and I feel strong.

The back and forth wasn’t good for the kids, they grew resilient to it and I want more consistency for them, someone once told me that all anxiety stems from inconsistency and as a sufferer of anxiety thats the opposite of what I want for my kids. Part of me has held off on sharing this because when I spoke publicly about us considering a break up a few months ago I was shot down with comments like “I would leave you too, you overshare every bit of your marriage,” and “I cant blame him, you clearly don’t take pride in your home or your body.”

Isn’t it interesting how everyone just loves to blame women when there is a divorce? Poor innocent men trying to navigate through the evil calculations of manipulative women. “She cheated cos she’s a slut, he cheated coz she never fucked him, he worked too much coz she had an expensive life style, she worked too much coz she’s selfish and over ambitious, he drank too much coz she nagged all the time, she drank too much coz she’s a raging alco, she lied and claimed that the poor guy bashed her.” What if nobody is to blame? What if two people are just happier apart?

Sure, whatever. If you’re looking for reasons men would leave me I could give you many. I was once dumped for drinking so much that I passed out naked in an actual wheelie bin, woke up covered in bin juice expecting a standing ovation.… But the truth is that only Bill and I will know the full reasons, the ups and downs, the way we felt about each other and eventually the way we made each other feel about ourselves. He is the dad of my four kids. I love him with every inch of me and I know he feels the same way about me.

So thats why I want to thank the women that have bumped into me on the street and taken the time to approach me, give me a hug, take a photo with me. I’m still learning how to respond to your love because I don’t feel worthy of it, but you present it in such a way that just gives me so much strength and encouragement. You guys have reminded the that the world is full of beauty, I share my journey because its mine to share and anyone who judges me for it can join a long line of haters waiting for me to give a fuck.

I love sharing it with you. The good (How fucking rad is selling out in the UK and Ireland!!!!) The bad (Yep the love duo of Bill and I are no more) and the ugly (my pubes got so matted last week that I couldn’t cross my legs without giving myself a mini wax).

Thank you Queens. I’ve always said, women are a woman’s greatest asset.

And don’t worry, Bill hasn’t lost his sense of humour. I asked him to send me some important things, amongst them he hid my vibrator….. but no charger.

Love Con xxxx

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Constance Hall

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Constance Hall

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